Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
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The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
2022 will be better than 2021
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.