I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
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I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Noted.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.