I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
You Might Also Like
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
January is lasting longer than my marriage
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
HOW DARE YOU
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out