Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
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Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Merry Christmas
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?