olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
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customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty