Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
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Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.