Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
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[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?