Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
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WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.