The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
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“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*