“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
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2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Do not steal food from the science building!
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”