I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
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imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.