An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
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Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Day 2 of my diet
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022