“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
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ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
this post was so formative to me
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.