Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
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If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
The glockness monster
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.