Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
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this post was so formative to me
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.