Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
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I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”