I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
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Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.