There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
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don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
That’s easy for you to say
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans