SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
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Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.