I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
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SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
bears
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.