Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
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who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
*me flirting
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Never forget.