Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
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Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
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