The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
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Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”