Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
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Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.