Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
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Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Basically.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants