Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
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DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter