Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
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me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.