Holy crap this is wonderful
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trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
everyone has that one prude friend
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Born to be mild.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
This fish is cracking me up