I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
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“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents