[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
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Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.