I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
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I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*