no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
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*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
very niche meme I made
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.