If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
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Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.