Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
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They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend