I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
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thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.