*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
You Might Also Like
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day