Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
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[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell