You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
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son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*