This pepper has seen some shit
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When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens