CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
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Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”