I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
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As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.