Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
You Might Also Like
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.