*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
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How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.