Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
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10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.