I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
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‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
he’s doing your taxes
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Mummies are just super modest zombies
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.