I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
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Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.