“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
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I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Tremendous stuff
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Worlds greatest photobomb
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Heroic Misunderstanding
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.