“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
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No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I’m putting together a team
WTF IS THAT!
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Well, shit
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!