how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
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I’m a bad influence on myself.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.