Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
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Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I just love that new Pope smell.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉